National Siblings Day
The odd couple
National Siblings Day.
The perfect day for my editor to finish the copy edit of my memoir about growing up as the sister of a brother with autism and learning difficulties - The Sibling. Also, to catch up with my brother and buy him a coffee (and cake, of course).
It was windy in Blackpool
I am reading Who’s the Favourite by Catherine Carr,
and reflecting on the complexity and difference of my own relationship with my only brother. I am a first born, an only child for the first six years, then a sister who wanted a sister. I envied the messy enthusiasm of my best friend’s family, she was one of four sisters. I adored Little Women, and glued myself to our rented Rumbelows TV for weekly episodes of Little House on the Prairie. When I was six, I got a brother. Quite a different brother. We were ‘other’ from the start, and now? Well, the complexities remain in adulthood. I see us in Dr. Greif’s book, Adult Sibling Relationships, where he quotes Professor Pauline Boss.
‘When two people are pulled in different directions, uncertain how to act towards each other.’
The commonalities of our childhood are gone and we are negotiating new complexities as we enter a new era in our sibling relationship. My brother’s ambivalent perspective to our relationship comes from his autistic logic system, mine from my position in the family, as the first child, and a sense of responsibility and duty.
By Geni (wiki)
Our relationship is swan like, steady and serene on the surface, paddling madly below. We have ageing parents that my brother stays with every weekend. He sees their home as his second home, it is where he was for twenty years. He is in supported living in another town the rest of the time. My brother sees it as his duty, to look after mum and dad, and he does, helping with breakfasts, cleaning, and some dressing. I’m proud of seeing these capabilities of his. When we were younger, I shouldered all responsibilities, I did not appreciate what he could do and expected to step in over things he could not do.
Those flicks!
Thanks to all those who crowdfunded the edit, and to get their name in The Sibling, and a copy, when it is published. If it is published! It will be if I do it myself, thought I see a gap for traditional publishing. Here is a short extract if you would like to read more:
One
Lockdown
On Thursday 9th April 2020, a bright and uncharacteristically warm spring day in the midst of the uncertain mess of the first lockdown, I drive into town for food, because the rules allow me out for food shopping and exercise.
The streets are unusually empty, but I spot one familiar figure. My brother’s unmistakable walk. A muted version of the skip, deer bounce he had as a child. Anxiety is etched on his face. He’s a stickler for the rules and will be thinking about what he has been told he can and can’t do, while the unknown parties go on in Downing Street where they make the rules.
I slow the car past the decaying façade of the British Legion, seeped in long stale beer smells, dad used to take my brother for an occasional pint there. I pass the pub where thick chunks of ancient black plaster have fallen away to leave lathe ribs exposed like the spaces in my brother’s old lift out puzzles. I pass the 1930’s police station, where, in other times a swarm of yellow clad community police officers would all stop and say hello to my brother. They all know him.
I pass the timber framed tailors’ shop from the 1500’s, then the corner of the George Pub from the 1400’s, and the tourist information centre, which used to be the site of a brothel visited by Pepys. This town has a long history. My brother has been part of it for the last forty years. He grew up here. I did my growing up in other places. We have had different lives since our shared childhood.
My brother spots the car and gives a hearty wave. I cannot pull to the side of the road and offer him a lift to wherever he is going, the rules say I am not allowed to, but I wave back in surprise. It’s a rarity that he acknowledges me in public. In our little family unit, my brother and I could do social distancing before it became a necessary requirement.
We had years of practice.